“My wife is always not in the mood!”

Last year, around June, I started a little survey. I ask most men that come to me in the hospital a question. It’s about their “sex-life”. I also asked unmarried guys. I wasn’t too happy with what I observed. I was forced to write about it, even though it seems there are some things you don’t talk about in public!

It’s complex, very complex a problem. And it’s common too. Very common. The male folks complain about their ladies’ attitude to sex. The ladies are not usually interested. They don’t seem to enjoy the act. They just do it to please their partners.

I don’t promise to give the magic solution that will solve the sex issues you have with your partner; but, I could offer some hope for improvement. At least, a problem known, they say, is half-solved. Lets look at it, closely. And now…


We, the medical people, call it different names. There are different types and classifications, and the names are usually very long! Sincerely, you don’t need names like hypogyneismus to know that you have issues with your bedroom activities! Forget names, for now!

Causes are many; sometimes linked together; mostly psychological. If the cause can be identified, the likelihood of improving is better. A counselor or a doctor will help. In terms of sex-talks, from experience, religious leaders may not be down-to-earth enough to help. They may even be struggling with the same issues too!

It sounds casual, but it’s a serious topic. It has led to broken homes. It has driven men out of their homes. It has drained life and love out of the veins of happy homes!


“Doctor, she hardly ask for sex, in fact she has never asked for sex! She seems to be interested only in romance and fore-play. As for sex, I always do the asking, and whenever I ask, she always has excuses. She is tired. She is in pains. She is busy. Doc, she is never in the mood, except for sometimes, few times! She makes me look like a sex-freak or addict. Sometimes, most times, when we do it, she doesn’t seem to enjoy it, or she pretends she is enjoying it (but I know she’s doing it just to please me)! The whole thing is just dry and tight! She even complains of pains during sex. She does it out of duty, or fear of losing me. No fun. She just waits for me to get satisfied; she hardly gets to the peak. And worse of all, sometimes, it seems the whole idea of sex irritates her! She feels pressured; it gets me angry, frustrated. I am tired. I feel like… .”


The causes are many. We can only talk about the common ones like:

Psychological. The lady has been brainwashed into seeing sex as a negative thing, sinful, and not meant to be desired or enjoyed by ladies. They make it look like a men’s thing. “Close your leg; never open it for ANY man!” No time-limit or conditions are given. The mind registers it. And truly, sex is largely in the head. The brain is the most important sex organ! Sex belief and prohibitions, from family, religion, society, and culture, wrongly done, is one of the major causes of frigidity in ladies. It’s like a wrong mentality, a faulty unconscious belief, buried deep down in her!

Personal. Past history of rape, forced-sex, date-rape, sexual and physical abuse. If a lady has a persistent feeling of guilt, fear, anxiety, worry;  if she’s stressed or fatigued; if she’s suffering from depression or anxiety; if she has poor self esteem, poor self image, or excessive self-consciousness; it will most definitely affect her sex drive. While a man might forget all his sorrows and convictions when he sees a lady undressing, a lady may have a million thoughts and feelings bombarding her heart even while in the very act. This affects sex, a lot. He might even forget that sex can lead to pregnancy, while her system is “shutting down” because of the fear of getting pregnant. Men are from Mars; women from Venus!

Problems. Conflicts in the home or at work is another serious killer! A lady has to feel loved, desired, respected, and “number one”. Sex to her doesn’t start in the bedroom; it starts in the morning and goes on through out the day to end in the bedroom! It’s in the kitchen, bathroom, everywhere! Lack of support, in home work and chores, lack of love-words and love-acts during the day, might mean disaster at night! Poor communication, lack of intimacy, feeling of neglect, and  problems in the home quenches the desires and joy of sex. Stress at work may contribute too.

Partner. Some men have poor skills when it come to these things. They are not educated when it comes to performance. They know nothing about extended fore-play. They don’t appreciate the key-role the clitoris plays, or worse they don’t even know the location! They just dash in and dash out like a 100-meters race! Mtscheww… how will she be interested! This can lead to unfaithfulness in ladies. And if the lady is not really attracted to the male partner, for one reason or the other, libido drops.

Pathological. Medical conditions and illness can affect the sex-life negatively. Diabetes, hypertension, arthritis, cancer, disease of hormones, and heart diseases are likely causes. Psychiatric condition that involves the mood, like depression and anxiety too. Vaginal infections especially the ones with foul odor and pain might discourage the ladies. Anemia, reduced blood (cells), is an important cause, especially in ladies that have heavy menstrual flow. Surgeries like “removal of the womb” decreases desire in some women.

Plus. Other causes include:

Pregnancy. And libido decreases in the period immediately after childbirth.
Ages greater than 45 years and in menopausal women present with decreased libido. However, sometimes, the reverse is the case.
For some women, libido is related to their monthly cycle. It is high, days before ovulation (14th day after last menses) and lowest after ovulation.
Cigarette smoking and alcoholism is not good. While a little alcohol can put one in the mood; excessive alcoholic intake can “spoil things”!
Some medical drugs like some used for treating hypertension, depression, pain, anxiety, etc. can affect the libido negatively. And contraceptive pills too.
Lack of privacy or distractions, as simple as that looks, might be the only problem. Say, if the children are in the next room and they can hear everything that happens! Bright light and loud sounds are bad!

Now what do we do?

Be patient. Pause. Wait. Take it slowly. Don’t rush. Appreciate the moment.

Wait for the second round! Watch out for part 2.

N.B: Part 2 proffers practical solutions. It comes soon. Thanks.