“For women, the best aphrodisiacs are words. The G-spot is in the ears. He who looks for it below there is wasting his time.” — Isabel Allende.
I received several messages and calls following the first article of this 2-part series. Most of them were positive reviews.
Now, solutions. Practical solutions.
In helping the lady improve her sex-life, the first and most important challenge we face is identifying the cause(s) of low sex drive in her, and the reasons (sometimes, unconscious reasons) for her lack of interest and enjoyment. It’s difficult, but if identified, change comes like magic. Believe me! My eyes have seen!
Could it be from her mindsets and deep-seated convictions? Probably. Is it from her past sexual experiences? Maybe. Is it due to the challenges she is experiencing in her relationship with her man? Very likely. What is the cause? Identifying it might require the help of counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists (Yes psychiatrists! Don’t tell me; I know you are not mad!), other doctors, some religious leaders, experienced couples, etc.
However, the most important person is: you, the lady! You must be willing to change, to increase your desire, to learn more skills, to improve your sex-life! You must be eager to save your love-life! You must use your greatest power – your will, your choice! You can choose to choose to enjoy anything in life, even a naturally pleasurable activity like sex! You must choose. This is very important. Very important.
Enough talk! Let’s talk! We must consider…
#1: Her mind
You must change your mindset about sex. You must see it as a healthy, positive, pleasurable act. Sex begins in your thoughts. Men have fantasies about sex – they imagine it, they see it in their mind, they feel it, they taste it, they actually go through the act, and most importantly, the enjoy it, all in their minds! No wonder they seem to always be in the mood! Where the mind goes, the body follows! (we call it psycho-neuro-endocrinology! Lol!) Several times in a day, (you can choose to get a quiet place and close your eyes), paint a beautiful, romantic, sexual encounter with YOUR partner with the power of your imagination; make it real, visualize the details, make it in bright colors, smell the scents and odors, feel it, enlarge the pictures, emphasize the pleasure, make it strong … enjoy it, deeply! Consistently doing this works wonders!
#2: Her mouth
Practice self-talk. Say positive things about sex to yourself. Talk to yourself more than you listen to yourself. This will help your replace any unhelpful thought and stir up your body for a healthy romantic life. This will reprogram your mind. I advised a lady with serious psychological condition [loosely termed “fear of the penis”], which is tearing her marriage apart, to stand before a standing-mirror, as many times as possible, appreciate herself, and from her heart, say out loud to her herself: “Sex is good. I love it. I enjoy it. I can’t wait to make love!” Then, she says that to herself, over and over, throughout the day! Now, her grateful husband calls me regularly! Stop nagging and complaining, instead make positive confessions and affirmation! Speak to yourself. Talk to your body; it will obey!
#3: Her man
Major conflicts, misunderstandings, and problems must be addressed and resolved for the lady to be able to release her self completely. She must feel loved and adored; this is not optional! He must care for her, give to her, and assist her. He must learn to say “sweet words” to her, to appreciate her, admire her, to say “I love you”, “I am sorry, forgive me”, “thank you” and so on. Bend down,”Oga of the house”, and learn! Fix the breakfast. Change the diapers. Baby-sit. Call her at work, and get a gift on your way back. Switch off your phones as soon as you get home. Take her to the movies. Hold hands in public. Visit her family. Little things matter a lot. Also, strong man, improve your sex-skills . Learn how to massage. Stop thinking “orgasm”; focus on making her happy and satisfied! She must feel loved. She must!
#4: Her manners
Lady! Look good. Do good! Don’t just think positive; act positive. Watch your health and lifestyle, carefully. To improve your sex drive, and enjoy sex more, you have to watch your habits. You make your habits, then your habits make you. Sow wisely. Stop smoking. Stop taking tutolin, codeine, and those stuffs. Reduce alcohol intake [A little of it makes some ladies horny, though]. Take plenty of fruits and vegetables. Get multivitamins and minerals supplements. Exercise regularly. Reduce your weight (especially if it affects your self-image). Get enough rest and sleep. Just do it!
#5: Her moods
Feel good. Work at developing a healthy self-esteem. Stop feeling bad that you sex-life is not up to what you hear from your friends or what you watch in pornographic movies. Stop comparing. Let go of the past; it is past! Forgive anyone that hurt you. Let go of all that mental torture. Let your predominant emotions be positive. Always, generate happy feelings. Stress (at work and school) affects the female libido. Find ways to relax. You will open the wells of your sexual feelings. The juice will flow! It will bring you sexual healing! Sing to loud music. Dance with all you heart. Attend gatherings. Visit friends. Meditate. Pray. Do what you love; love what you do. What are your hobbies? Go for them… feel good.
#6: Her medical condition
Few times, there might be an underlying medical cause. Is it the drug the doctor prescribed? Is it an illness in your body or mind? Is it due to a surgery you had? Is it related to your pregnancy or childbirth? Is it menopause? I won’t say much about this. See you doctor please, especially if you feel your low sex drive is due to a medical condition.
While taking drugs could boost the sex desire and performance in men, it’s not that easy to achieve that in women. Researches are on-going for safe, effective drugs. So, for now, forget about drugs, especially herbs. Work on yourself.
I could go on and on. But I won’t.
For some couples, improvements will be noticed almost immediately; for others, it will require some time — patience and persistence and practice, and patience again; and for a few other couples, we would be forced to say “if you don’t have what you love, you have to love what you have.” Things might not change much. Accept your partner as she is! Appreciate the positives in your relationship. Moreover, such acceptance opens new doors to your love-life. You will come to experience some level of warm intimacy and rich satisfaction, that is beyond sex. For truly, sex is not everything. I tell you, there is more to love, to life, to living. Ask grand-pa. He will say the same!